Nothing To Be Scared Of

I have only ever told two men that I’ve loved them, in a romantic sense.

The first was the only boyfriend I’ve had.

The second was a friend who I knew didn’t feel the same about me.

“It takes ten times longer to put yourself back together than it does to fall apart.” -Finnick Odair in Mockingjay by Suzanne Collins

Where I was two years ago vs today, both physically and emotionally, are vastly different arenas. It has only been very recently that I can really begin to believe that I’m on the other side of my healing from Owen. Part of that has been the time and space that’s needed to heal from any heartbreak. Part of that has been a lot of processing with my closest friends. Part of that has been because of Finn.

Finn and I met thru Tinder, a theme for how I’ve met many of my male friends I have to say, and while we started off as ‘something casual’, we both realized that we liked each other enough to be friends. I caught feelings for him shortly after and did my best to keep them buried because I didn’t want to deal with the pain I was bottling up from Owen. But, as I’m sure many of you know, feelings that are bottled up tend to come out in one way or another. My anxiety reached a really high point a few months after meeting him and I was spiraling in ways that were not healthy for me. I knew I needed to deal with the pain I was carrying head-on, so I got back into therapy and began journaling more to unpack why this new friend, who was nothing like Owen, was so triggering to me. While I really enjoyed his company and liked him a lot, our friendship was not coming easy to me. Was it because he reminded me of Owen? No, not at all, they are totally different people in so many ways. Is he treating me like Owen? Again, no, we have a completely different type of friendship. Then what was the problem? While I know that I didn’t trust him at first, because unfortunately my trust in men starts at a zero due to multiple reasons, I was able to recognize that I also didn’t trust me in our friendship. I didn’t trust myself to not make the same mistake twice. I overanalyzed every text, every interaction, every look because I was trying to make sure I wasn’t missing something. I needed to know that I wasn’t missing a sign. Was I really sure that he wasn’t lying to me, or that he wasn’t going to leave me too? What if I was too much for Owen and now, I’m going to be too much for Finn?

“As he read, I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once.” -John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

I learned from bell hooks that we shouldn’t think of love as ‘falling in love’ because that assumes we don’t have control over who we fall in love with. As someone who has been a hopeless romantic most of my life, I struggled with that thought at first because surely, we don’t have control over love! Fate exists! Soulmates are real! What do you mean I can control who I love?! But now I believe it’s important to remember that we do have control and autonomy over our love. Sure, there are chemical reactions and emotional connections, and I still believe in soulmates, but we ultimately choose to act on those reactions and connections. We choose who we give our energy, our body, our heart, and our love to. I knew I was falling for Finn while it was happening, but because of my anxiety and fear I couldn’t admit it to myself for a long time.

I knew it in the way my body felt when he looked at me while we were out dancing one night. I knew it in the way my heart glowed at the smile on his face when I gave him his birthday gift. I knew it in the way he made me laugh and the way he would hug me after a tough conversation. When I realized I loved the way his mind worked and how he’s so smart, but he’s not cocky about it. When he listened to my joys, my anxieties, and my anger. I think we sometimes think that love comes sweeping in some big, dramatic force, but in my experience, it’s been the little things that build up over time. The little things that helped create trust and care between us that allowed me a chance to work through my shit.

We’ve had our struggles too. We’ve admitted to each other that we met when neither of us were in the best mental headspace. I don’t think either of us knew what to make of our friendship for a while and that combined with two anxious minds meant we’ve had our fair share of bumps in the road. He’s made mistakes and he wasn’t always honest with me; I’ve struggled with establishing boundaries and being honest with him too. But the key difference with our friendship vs many of the relationships I’ve had with men before him is that Finn has always admitted his mistakes, apologized for them, and changed his behavior after. And I hope he feels that I’ve done the same. I know this sounds like the bare minimum, but unfortunately, I think we all know that this kind of behavior is quite difficult to find. I didn’t have very good role models for this kind of behavior until adulthood, and it was with my closest girlfriends that I learned how to resolve conflict in a healthy manner. I remember feeling sad after one conversation I had with Finn because I realized that I could probably count on one hand the number of times I had a healthy conversation with a man around a conflict in our friendship. Why do we make it so hard for ourselves to be in relationships with each other?

I struggled with admitting that I ‘fell’ for him, because I knew he didn’t feel the same and it was embarrassing to admit that I still fell for him anyway. While I was learning to trust myself again, I felt like I had let myself down by loving a man who didn’t love me back. And I did, to a certain extent. But the healing process isn’t linear and honoring the journey and recognizing the feelings you have, even when they piss you off, will only help you move on quicker than ignoring them altogether. When I was able to admit to myself that I loved him, I also knew that it meant that I would have to move on and that felt scary to me. What did moving on look like? What would our friendship look like? I had just admitted I loved someone, only for the second time in my life, and now I had to get over my feelings. How does someone do that? It seemed like such emotionally draining work and I was so tired of processing feelings. What pushed me to really do it was that I had finally reached a point in our friendship that I knew, really in my heart, that he cared about me and respected me. That our friendship would be okay with me asking for some space as I sorted myself out. So, I did.

I took some time away from our friendship, which he agreed to and was understanding because he knew I had been struggling for a while. But I hadn’t told him that I loved him yet. I journaled, listened to all the sad music I could and cried, talked with my therapist, and went on walks with friends. Then, I woke up one day and thought “If I died tomorrow, I would want him to know.” I had to speak my truth and I knew he was a safe person to do so with. I didn’t do it to get his pity or because I thought he would change his mind or any other reason for the simple fact that I believe you should tell people that you love them while you have the chance to do so. I wrote him a letter and told him that if what I said changed our friendship, I would respect and understand that. When I sent it to him, I felt a calm come over me. I remember thinking “I’ve done the right thing.” The letter ended up being the positive turning point in our friendship I had hoped it would be, because we are two friends who understand each other very well and who deeply respect and care about one another. I have been able to move on from my feelings in a way that has felt true to me, and I honestly have never felt better about us.

“But in a solitary life, there are rare moments when another soul dips near yours, as stars once a year brush the earth. Such a constellation was he to me.” -Madeline Miller, Circe

Finn didn’t fix me or make me trust myself again. I did that. But he, and all the other friends I have in my life who hold me, laugh with me, make space for me, and have helped me see that I’m not too much, have aided in my healing process. And I hope that the way I have shown up for them has helped them heal too.

Finn wrote me a birthday letter this year and in it he wrote, “I think Galway is a place where many people come and go and sometimes you find someone special crossing your life on this path. I think you are one of these special ones…” He’s definitely been a special one for me too.

I firmly believe that we meet people for certain reasons. Those reasons might not always be clear to us at the time and the reasons don’t always have to be life-changing or dramatic. My life the last two years has been about building up my trust in myself and my self-confidence after it was torn down by a man who held little regard for me. I’ve had to remember that ol’ lesson that people who care about you care about your feelings too. But also, you need to know yourself well enough to admit your feelings and how they’re impacting you and your ability to show up. I am learning that when you show up for yourself, the right people will show up for you too. I’ve spent too long being afraid; afraid of my anger, afraid of my capacity for love, afraid of being hurt, afraid of trusting myself, afraid of being disappointed. The fear has been justified, but only up to a certain point. I’m going to get angry. I’m going to love deeply and widely. I’m going to be hurt, I will trust myself, and I will be disappointed by others. But none of those truths will stop me from pursuing the life, love, and happiness I want.

I made a list of everything that I’ve been busy chasin’
But if a train is meant for me
It won’t leave the station and pull away
-Kacey Musgraves, Nothing to be Scared Of