home sick.

by Tonya Pell, posted in Culture, Home

As the USA descends further into fascist madness, I have been reflecting on my ability to hold two difficult truths at the same time. While this piece is about my own experiences and feelings, I recognize that my experiences and feelings as a white citizen living in another country is very different and much less difficult than the current realities of people who are living back in the USA, especially of those whose racial identities and/or immigration status differ from my own. But as James Baldwin wrote in Notes of a Native Son,

“I love America more than any other country in the world and, exactly for this reason, I insist on the right to criticize her perpetually.”

I’m homesick for sitting at a sticky table at a greasy spoon diner with your family, the smell of coffee and maple syrup intermingling, arguing over the retelling of a story from your childhood.

I’m watching my home, sick to my stomach with anger over the inhumane and illegal treatment of people by ICE agents. With frustration over the lack of accountability given to anyone with power and money. With rage over the the reality that a pedophilic ring of rich men has been running our country for decades and NO ONE has done a damn thing to stop them.

I’m homesick for lazy, sun-filled beach days with friends; with too many laughs and not enough sunscreen.

I hate my home, sick that everything I feared would happen is happening.

I’m homesick for the expansive feeling you have in your body as you’re driving down a country road, with the windows rolled down and the sweet, clean air rolling in over the sounds of your favorite song blasting on the car radio.

I’m angry with my home, sick of waking up every day and reading about the fresh horrific reality of a collapsing empire.

I’m homesick for the smell of beer brewing as you enter my favorite brewery with friends, a night of pints and Uno games ahead of us.

I am at a loss with what to do about my home, sick with despair. But I can’t let the despair win. That’s what they want; they want us to be overwhelmed and hopeless. So we have to keep pushing and pushing and pushing down the despair until it’s sitting in a tight ball in in the pit of our stomach.

I’m homesick for the missed birthday parties, the first days of school, and nights spent babysitting my niblings.

I’m embarrassed by my home, sick of having to explain to others how we got to this point, why some of the other tenants of my home are happy with the current state of our home, when will be enough for those people to turn against the President, and what’s going to happen next.

I’m homesick for crispy fried chicken, hot sauce on the table at most restaurants, good iced coffee, the chip aisle in any grocery store, and BBQ with all the fixings. God, I miss BBQ.

My home has been sick for a long time. Centuries, in fact. The sickness is deep; in every nook and cranny of the home, all the way down to it’s foundations. I didn’t realize this for a long time, due to the privileges that the color of my skin, my religion, and my upbringing gave me. And I know now, how sick my home is, but I’m in the next house over, watching as the sickness begins to finally tear the house down. I’m safe, in this new house, but for how long? What right do I have to be safe? What can I do, from this place of safety, to help those still living in my first home? What more should I be doing?

I’m homesick for the people who make my home so great. The people fighting on the streets against fascism. Demanding for change. Loving thy neighbor through it all. The people who celebrate the differences of all the tenants of our home, because they know it’s what makes our home so special, so beautiful.

My home is sick. It has been for a long time. And I have a duty to name the sickness, demand that we treat it, and use the privileges I’ve been afforded to heal it.

And I’m also homesick. Mostly for the people. For the people who are too loud, who care too much, and who will continue to work too hard at creating a world where all people are created equally and have the unalienable rights of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.

A list of organizations to support and use in the fight against fascist authoritarianism in the USA:

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