Tonya: How do you learn to trust your instincts about people and big life decisions, especially when you’ve been wrong in the past? How do you deal with regrets about the times you got things wrong?
Dear Trusting Your Gut,
I think learning to listen and trust your gut is a key part of adulthood. Honestly. It’s easier said than done, I’ll admit it, but once you really start to know the difference between when anxiety shows up in your body vs when your gut telling you something, you’ll be able to trust yourself more.
Quick disclaimer: I don’t have anxiety, so let me make that clear. I have dealt with anxious thoughts, panic attacks, and crippling anxious moments, but I don’t have a diagnosed anxiety disorder so my advice might only work so much for you and others!
You mention dealing with the regrets you have from times when you were wrong. I think the key word there is ‘deal’. How are you dealing with your regrets? What have you learned from them? I remember listening to a podcast by Brené Brown a couple years ago where she talked with Dan Pink about his book The Power of Regret. He shares that too often people think they should live a life with no regrets, but that’s wrong. He says in the podcast that, “This is why regret exists, regret teaches us if we’re open to the teaching. The problem is, is that regret also hurts a little bit. It hurts and it teaches. But you can’t have just one.” So I think the first step in learning to trust your intuition is admitting your regrets to yourself and what you have learned since that situation. In Dan’s book he writes, “If we know what we truly regret, we know what we truly value.” If you can figure out how your regrets align with your values, you can then start to work at trusting your intuition.
For me, an important piece in learning how to trust my gut has been to build my self-confidence. I moved to Ireland with probably a lot less anxiety and worry than most people would have. I honestly think it’s because, I knew in my gut, that it was the right choice for me. I knew it was the right decision because my center of gravity was within myself. While I had the support of my loved ones, I was grounded in myself, my values, and what I wanted my life to be. That feeling of being so rooted in myself, my abilities, and my dreams helped me face all the headaches and heartaches I faced on the way. I was focused, persistent, and confident as I made decisions related to my move. But I wasn’t careless or ignorant either. I was bold and caring in my pursuit of my dreams, because my gut was telling me that it was the right move. When I’m faced with other decisions in my life, big or small, I’ve found that when I follow that strong, gut feeling of confidence and clarity it has led me down the right path most of the time.
I’ve learned what that strong, gut feeling feels like for me, because I’ve also learned what my anxiety warning signs are. If I’m feeling really anxious about a situation I’m in, or a decision I have to make, then something is probably off. When I start to overanalyze every conversation with a potential romantic partner, or when I start to lose sleep over a work project, I know that those are signs from my body telling me I need to take a step back. I need to evaluate why I’m feeling anxious/triggered/uncertain about whatever it is I’m facing and then deal with it.
Am I overanalyzing the conversations cause I think he’s pulling away? Or did he say something that upset me and I haven’t told him yet? Either way, what do I need to do or say to stop feeling this way and can it come from a place of being grounded in myself and not in my anxiety? So instead of accusing him of pulling away and not being interested anymore, could I ask if we could have a conversation about communication styles and expectations?
Am I losing sleep over a work project because I feel like I’m falling behind? Because I feel like a failure who isn’t smart or good enough for the project? What needs to change in the project, potentially? What do I need to do to address those feelings and help me feel more confident in the project and myself?
What I’ve found is when I’m dealing with those anxious feelings and tendencies, it’s usually not about what I need to do or say. It’s about managing how other’s will react to my decision. It’s about trying to understand the whole situation first. It’s about planning the next five steps after I make the first big one.
But my gut is there, quietly and calmly trying to tell me what I know to be true to me, my values, and my life. My anxiety is trying to quiet my gut and make me think more about other people’s thoughts, values, and lives.
Maybe I am feeling anxious about the potential romantic interest slowly losing interest, but did I stop and ask myself if I even liked him?
If I’m feeling so anxious about that work project, maybe something isn’t working and I need to change a small, or even large, aspect of it so I feel more confident about it.
The more you work on your self-confidence and the more you know your values, the more you’re able to quiet the anxious thoughts that are telling you to care more about what other people think and what they want for you, instead of caring about what you think of yourself and what you want.
Like all lessons in adulthood… it takes time, patience, and intentionality to learn how to trust your instincts again. But the fact that you’re even asking the question means you’re already on your way to learning.
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...But Not With Haste 