How do you de-center your ideas/feelings of beauty and self-esteem from male validation? I usually couldn’t care less what men think, but there are times where someone flirting with me on a bad day can feel really good. I know it’s a fickle, fragile thing to base your self-esteem on, and patriarchal beauty standards range from arbitrary and pointless to actively harmful and unattainable, but sometimes male attention can feel like the biggest confirmation that I’m performing “woman” correctly. How do we unlearn this conditioning??
Dear Unlearning Patriarchal Beauty Standards,
First, there is a lot I could write about in my answer. The journey of unlearning patriarchal beauty standards and de-centering men and their opinions in our lives as women is a long conversation that I will only get started on with this post. I am positive there is more I will say on this topic in the future, so if I don’t touch on everything please know I hope to cover it in other posts. Or you can send in a thought/question to Teatime with Tonya on a specific aspect of this topic and I’ll see what I can do!
Second, I don’t want you to feel bad about feeling good when you do get compliments or validation from anyone, including men. I genuinely don’t think that it’s a bad thing to want to feel recognized, because it stems from our desire to be part of a community (others may disagree with me on this). But I think it’s fine to feel good when you’ve been recognized, whether it’s for your hard work, an important thing you did, or if you’re having a good hair day (something I always appreciate with my curly hair). It becomes a problem when seeking validation is your sole focus for wearing an item, or doing a certain thing, etc. and if you’re harming yourself or not staying true to yourself in your pursuit for validation.
Girls and women are told messages, from a young age, that our value lies in how boys and men perceive us. We should look a certain way, act only in appropriate ways, and speak accordingly in order to attract a male partner. We’re told to show off our bodies, but not too much otherwise we’re a slut. We should have curves, but not too many curves otherwise we’re fat and boys don’t like fat girls. But we can’t be too thin either, cause boys like girls with a little meat on their bones. We should enjoy the same activities that they do, like sports. But God forbid we actually do like sports, cause then we’ll have to prove to boys just how much we like sports. Boys like girls with an all-natural look, even though they don’t have a clue what that even means. And the contradictory and toxic messaging goes on and on and on.
It’s all bullshit, right? I know you know this already, based on your question, but I think that’s what we have to keep reminding ourselves of every day, every month, every year. What we wear, what we do with our face, our hair, our body, is entirely up to us and the “ideals” we’ve been lambasted with over time are made-up lies; they’re harmful, and unrealistic. No one looks like the models on the runways, on the magazine covers, in the influencer and AI-generated TikTok’s. I know it’s easier said than done, trying to remember how much bullshit it all is, but over time it honestly does get easier. It’s easier now for me to look at the latest ‘trend’ and see it for what it is than it did when I was 22. Or even when I was 29. I still struggle, don’t get me wrong, but I think that’s cause I’m still trying to figure out my style and what I feel comfortable in. Not because I worry that a man won’t find me attractive in what I like to wear.
Cause guess what?
They will.
I don’t want the focus of this blog post to be an affirmation about men finding you attractive, because I do think it’s important that we move away from that conditioned worry. But to say one thing that has worked for me to overcome that fear is realizing that the men I want to find me attractive will find me attractive. Sure, not all of them. But who cares about all of them? Do you find all men attractive? I’m sure you’ve heard the advice that not everyone is going to like you, which is fine, because you probably don’t like everyone either! As a recovering people pleaser I remind myself of that advice a lot and, at least for me, it’s helped. I think men (who are worth your time and energy) find women the most attractive when they are confident and comfortable. That comes from wearing what makes you feel confident and comfortable. Only you can figure out what that actually is.
You mention about how receiving such compliments assures you that you’re performing ‘woman’ correctly and I absolutely understand that. Our ideas around gender identity are slowly, very slowly, starting to change, thanks to the tireless work of transgender, non-binary, and gender diverse individuals. But there’s still immense pressure for women to appear feminine in all the contradictory ways we’re raised to believe we have to perform womanhood. But as ALOK, gender non-conforming poet and comedian, wrote in their book Beyond the Gender Binary, “Gender is not what people look like to other people; it is what we know ourselves to be. No one else should be able to tell you who you are; that’s for you to decide. There’s magic in being seen by people who understand—it gives you permission to keep going.” Your womanhood is going to look different than my womanhood. And no man can or should tell you how you perform your womanhood, especially if they can’t articulate how they perform their manhood. How you want to present yourself as a woman should be more about affirming who you are to the world and not letting the world dictate who you’re supposed to be. When we know ourselves and are comfortable in the body, clothes, and image we have of ourselves, we need and seek less validation. While compliments are still nice to receive, we won’t need them to affirm what we already know to be true about ourselves.
I think my honest answer to your question then is that it just takes time. There’s not an easy way to overcome this conditioning we’ve had since childhood. We’re inundated with these messages still, so give yourself time to rewire your thinking. Maybe ask yourself: where am I getting these messages from? What can I do to eliminate some of the messages and pressures I’m facing when it comes to this? What other messages do I want to be telling myself instead? One suggestion I have is to follow people on social media who look like you and don’t follow people who make you feel bad about yourself or your body. It sounds so simple, but it works.
I remember the man I was in toxic relationship with in my early 20’s once told me that men don’t find red lipstick attractive. So, I didn’t wear red lipstick for the longest time. Now, whenever I do, I get complimented on how good I look. And most importantly, I love how I look when I wear it.
Men don’t know shit. Wear what you want to wear and look damn good while doing it.
If you have a question you’d like me to respond to or a topic you’d like to hear my perspective on, send in a request here and it could be featured in a future Teatime with Tonya blog!
...But Not With Haste 