Dear Tonya. After a series of absolutely disastrous situationships and other ill-fated encounters with men I find myself feeling completely cynical about the concepts of love, relationships, and the modern dating scene. I have 0 desire to ever date again and put myself back through the physical and mental rollercoaster of it all. I believe I’m justified, but others think I’m missing out/overly cynical/taking an unhealthy approach. What are your thoughts on staying hopeful (or not) in the modern dating world?
Dear Hopeful (or Not),
First, I want to tell you that you’re not alone in being cynical about the state of modern dating. Speaking as a woman who finds men attractive and based on the many conversations I’ve had with other women who find men attractive… it’s fucking rough out here. Between the rise of misogynistic influencers, the impact of hook-up culture, the toxicity of dating app algorithms, a lack of comprehensive sex education, and other factors, the modern dating world doesn’t leave room for much hope. I don’t think I can provide a concrete hopeful method to the madness, but I will try to share why I haven’t completely given up on dating (yet).
As a perpetually single woman in her 30’s, I am happy being single while also still pursuing romantic relationships because I have a better understanding of what kind of relationships I want and a better understanding of how I prioritize love, sex, romance and pleasure in my life. This has come through a lot, and I mean a lot, of trial and error. I took a step back from dating and sex in my mid-20’s after some disastrous encounters. I had been in an emotionally abusive and toxic situationship for the beginning of my 20’s that really warped my sense of identity, confidence, and sexuality for a time. After I fully removed him from my life, I was still engaging with self-destructive behaviors that were ultimately harmful for myself and others. I knew that I needed to stop dating and having sex to sort myself out. I was abstinent for 4 years and it ended up being a really important time in my life that helped me to heal and figure out some things about myself. Don’t get me wrong; I’ve still had some awful dating and relationship experiences since then. But during that time, I learned the value of taking a step back to re-evaluate my relationship priorities and boundaries. I learned how to be honest with myself about what kind of relationship I want at different points of my life; sometimes I’ve wanted something casual, while other times I have wanted to date more seriously. It’s about being honest with yourself about what you want and not settling for less, even if what you want seems to be difficult to find in this current dating reality.
I won’t sit here and tell you that you should start dating anytime soon; you have your reasons for not wanting to re-engage with the dating scene and with men for now and those reasons are valid. But I don’t want you to give up on love and relationships completely, so I want you to consider a few questions…
What are some of the feelings you have regarding your experiences that you think might be contributing to your desire to never date again? Why do you feel that way? What do you hope will happen if you do remain single for the rest of your life? What kind of relationships do you want instead? What kind of friendships do you want? What kind of community do you want to have?
We’re taught from a young age, through the media, music, literature, etc. that we consume and the gendered messages we’re told as young girls, that romantic relationships are the most important relationships we can have. We’re asked if we have boyfriends at horrifyingly young ages, we’re expected to fantasize about our dream wedding throughout our life, and we are supposed to desire a monogamous, heterosexual relationship above all else. This prioritizing of romantic relationships leaves so many of us feeling empty and confused because, despite being told this is what we should all want, we aren’t taught how we should actually be in healthy relationships with one another. And despite having (hopefully) great, healthy friendships and family relationships, we’re still told it’s not enough; that we’re missing out if we don’t have a romantic relationship in our life. We’re told that we aren’t complete without a partner. What a load of bullshit. Putting so much emphasis on finding ‘the one’ can leave many people missing out on the great relationships they may already have in their life.
I don’t think the answer is to give up on romantic relationships altogether (unless you really want to, which is 100% fine). I think we need to re-prioritize friendships and others relationships to be as equally as important as romantic relationships. I’ve learned how to be a good partner because of the friendships I have. By prioritizing the close friendships I had with women in my late 20’s and early 30’s, I’ve learned how to communicate better, resolve conflict in a healthy manner, establish and respect boundaries, and so many more lessons that I will use in a romantic relationship. By prioritizing myself and romanticizing my own life these last few years, I learned more about aspects of myself that I struggled to accept and I’ve moved my whole life abroad! That took some guts and some confidence that even I can admit came from knowing myself so well. I’m not looking for someone to complete my life; I’m looking for someone to compliment my life. I’ve watched the reels and seen the memes about how men think they’re competing against other men for our attention and love, but the truth is that actually they’re ‘competing’ against the attention and love I give for myself and the others in my life. The era I’m entering in now is truly the protecting my peace era and I’m only interested in meeting men who can enter my life without any drama. If that means no men enter my life, so be it. Because I remain “hopeful” while dating in this hellscape because I have other relationships in my life that fulfill me. Yes, I would like a partner in life. But I have friends who are there for me when I need it, loved ones who understand me better than I know myself, and co-conspirators who push me to do more to create a just world. Plus, a drawer full of sex toys definitely helps.
I would encourage you to think about what you want from the relationships in your life and what your expectations are of romantic relationships. If right now, the answer is that romantic relationships are not a priority for you and other relationships or aspects of your life are more important, I think that’s more than enough of a reason to not date. Only you can answer those questions I posed for yourself and you don’t owe anyone but yourself an explanation for how you want to be in relationships with others. No one else should make you feel less than because your priority right now is not romantic relationships. You are whole all on your own.
Ultimately, I agree with what relationship and erotic intimacy expert Esther Perel wrote in a Facebook post in 2019, “There is no greater source of joy and meaning in our lives than our relationships with others.” Whether it’s romantic, friend, platonic, or family relationships… I know that you will have plenty of joy and meaning in your life.
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...But Not With Haste 