Two years ago, I was preparing to move to Ireland to start my PhD. Most people saw how excited I was for this next chapter of my life. What most people didn’t see was that I was also experiencing a deep heartbreak at the same time.
I first met Owen (obviously not his real name) by matching him on Tinder on Halloween 2021. I was bored of swiping on American men and decided I’d give passport mode a go. I popped around Ireland and the UK, just having fun, and at some point, I matched with him. We hit it off right away and started texting every day. We were both into reading, traveling, and tv shows/movies, but we differed quite a bit in ways that I think we both liked. He worked in finance; I worked for a youth program at the time. He was really into running and exercise; I was happy to do yoga once or twice a week. He was more practical, and I am decidedly not. I love music, he was more than happy to listen to lo-fi beats. It quickly turned into a pattern of saying good night and good morning to each other, checking in about work, how his run went that day, thoughts on the latest tv show we’d just watched. Things were always flirty, sexual and it was fun; my first long-distance situationship. He had just gotten out of a long-term, long-distance relationship with another American woman, and I could tell that, even though he told me that he had moved on, he was still dealing with some emotional baggage from that relationship ending. So, while I knew it wasn’t going to be anything serious, I was still developing strong feelings for a man who lived 5,000 miles away. After a couple of months, he told me that he needed to take a step back from our friendship because he felt like things were developing too seriously and he didn’t want that. I was disappointed, but thought we’d remain in touch, so it didn’t seem like a big deal. A couple weeks later, he removed himself from my social media and ghosted me. That really hurt, because I really had no warning that he was upset or anything, and I should have taken it as a more serious warning to who he was. I tried to leave it alone, but I ended up sending him a drunk text on my birthday a couple months later which he, surprisingly, answered. When I asked him why he ghosted me he told me that he thought it would be easier that way for him to move on… Again, if I could go back in time, I would sit myself down then and tell me to move the fuck on. We slowly started texting again after that; not every day, all day like we had when we first met but we still checked in with each other from time to time. I had been able to move on from his ghosting because we developed an easy friendship that felt like it worked for both of us.
Then, in the spring of 2022, I had gone on a trip to Greece that had re-inspired my desire to live abroad. I was about to begin the final year of my Masters program and had already decided that I wanted to continue my education, so, I thought, why not do both? That summer, as he was beginning a new relationship, I was looking into universities in Ireland and Scotland, since I had to move to an English-speaking country. I picked one in Galway, Ireland that had programs that fit my professional and research interests. Plus, I had traveled to Galway for a day on a trip in 2019 and remembered really loving it. I booked a plane ticket to Ireland for a long weekend and went over to check out the university and city. I asked him if we could meet when I visited, but he said he didn’t think it would be fair to his girlfriend if we did. Looking back, I knew then that his response was shady. I knew he had a girlfriend and was respectful of that fact, but I was going to be the closest I’d ever been to him, and he couldn’t make the time to come up and meet me? I get angrier now about that then I did back then, but we can’t go back and change our responses. Even though I told myself I was happy with our friendship, I was still holding back my anger and frustrations with him because I was afraid that if I really upset him that he would just leave and ghost me again. I couldn’t admit that to myself at the time, not really, so I left his bullshit excuse alone and enjoyed my weekend in Galway. The trip confirmed to me that I wanted to make the move, so I began the application process, and I applied for my PhD program in December.
Owen always seemed supportive of me doing this big life change. Even before I decided to officially move to Ireland, we talked a lot about Irish life and culture. He gave me a lot of insight and knowledge about living here that I never got to thank him for. I don’t think I struggled too much with assimilating here, like some do, because I did have a baseline knowledge and expectation that helped me understand the Irish way of doing things. He was supportive and pushed me to work hard on my Masters thesis and PhD application; he was a great sounding board and cheerleader when I needed him.
Owen broke up with his girlfriend at the end of 2022. He had texted me the night before “Big news, Tonya. I’m going to break up with Amber.” I was out with friends and remember panicking; why is he telling me this, why is it big news, what does this mean for us? He continued to text me the next day as he prepared to meet with her and then after he broke it off. I was supportive and listened to him but was still unsure what this meant for us. So, I eventually asked him, and he told me that while he found me attractive, he still only wanted to be my friend. I wasn’t totally surprised but was still a bit confused because at that point we were once again texting every day about all the little things we’d go through day by day. I had never texted with someone so much and I haven’t since; I know it seems like a little thing, but I became to really rely on those texts. His check-ins, updates on how his runs went, thoughts on the latest book he read, etc. We made plans to finally meet when I moved to Ireland in August. He offered to come up to Galway and meet me as I arrived and then I was planning to spend a couple days in his town as part of my ‘Welcome to Ireland’ holiday. He had picked out a hiking spot for us to go to during my stay and I was getting excited to finally be in the same room as my friend. I thought he felt the same.
“The quality of your life ultimately depends on the quality of your relationships . . . which are basically a reflection of your sense of decency, your ability to think of others, your generosity.” -Esther Perel in Mating in Captivity
As the months went by, I knew my attachment to him had become too strong. Despite him saying he only wanted to be friends, we flirted a lot, and I felt like it was harder and harder for me to deny the romantic and sexual feelings I had for him. I knew that if we continued the way we were I would be a really confused mess by the time I moved in August, so I asked for space in April in hopes that when we finally met, we’d be able to have a healthy friendship. When I asked for space, I told him that I didn’t want it to be a no-contact thing, but I honestly didn’t do a good job establishing strong boundaries. For my sake, and for his, I should have. But I tend to act quickly when I make up my mind about something (hello Sagittarius moon energy) and thought I’d figure it out as we went. But I can admit I didn’t handle it well. My anxiety about our friendship left me still reaching out more than I should have. I do wish I could have handled that differently, but even if I had I’m not sure how different our story would have ended up going anyway.
In June, right before I was supposed to leave for a girl’s weekend, I texted him asking if he was alright cause he had left me on read for a couple of days. That’s when he unleashed on me. He told me that things were not alright and that when I asked for space something inside him changed. He didn’t see me the same anymore and he wasn’t excited to meet me. He told me that I had been sending mixed signals, that I always cared more than he did (which was a problem in his eyes, I guess), and that he was 90% sure he didn’t want to meet me when I moved in a couple of months. I was shocked. I tried to explain to him how hurt I was and that he was the one person I knew in Ireland. He had the audacity to scroll back through our messages to respond to a text I had sent him on St. Patrick’s Day. I had said how another man I knew had called me from a pub and that it looked like such a good time. I had texted how I was so excited to spend Paddy’s in Ireland next year. He said, “don’t lie to me, you have other friends.” At this point in our conversation, it was obvious to me that he had some real resentment, guilt, and pain built up that he was unleashing on me. I explained who that man was to me and that he didn’t matter to me like Owen did at the time. It didn’t matter. We ended the conversation by me saying I would give him my new Irish number when I moved if he wanted it.
He must not have wanted it, because I haven’t talked with him since.
I removed him from social media but I’ll admit it; I’ve sent some embarrassingly awful drunk messages to him occasionally. But other than that, we have not had any contact since that day.
I’ve daydreamed too much about what I would do if I ever ran into him. I’ve gone between bursting into tears to slapping him across the face to screaming at him to ignoring him to a combination of any of those options.
I’ve also dreamt about him reaching out to meet for a coffee. Where we could have a decent chat about what the hell happened between us. Why it happened. And maybe, just maybe, we could be friends again.
Those were the daydreams I knew were the most unrealistic.
“Wounded hearts turn away from love because they do not want to do the work of healing necessary to sustain and nurture love. Many men, especially, often turn away from true love and choose relationships in which they can be emotionally withholding when they feel like it but still receive love from someone else. Ultimately, they choose power over love. To know and keep true love we have to be willing to surrender the will to power.” -bell hooks in All About Love
I’ve had a lot of time to think about and reflect on how Owen and I reached the point we did. There’s a lot I could write about regarding him, our friendship and the healing I’ve had to do since the blow-up. Honestly, this won’t be the last time you hear about him. But when the dust settled a few months into my big move, I realized that I had poured so much of myself into a friendship with a man who truly gave me the bare minimum. While he was supportive, helpful, and mostly kind to me, he was quite emotionally distant and struggled to discuss deeper topics that are important to me. I’ve since learned just how emotionally distant many Irish men are (a topic for one of those other blog posts in the future), but I still ignored those signs because I was willing to do more for him than I was getting back. And when I needed to step back to readjust my emotional connection just a little bit, he spiraled. He withdrew and blamed me. He chose to hold onto his power than embracing our friendship. It was such a shock to my system because I felt like I had spent the last year and a half being gaslit into a friendship that meant nothing to the other person.
How could I have let that happen? How did I ignore all the signs? Why did I choose to romanticize him and our friendship than see him for what he was? I thought I had done the work in therapy to not fall for this shit again after being in an emotionally abusive and toxic relationship in my early 20’s that wrecked my self-confidence. Yet, here I was, shocked, heartbroken, and confused again. It’s funny, in a not-so-funny way, that I can be confident enough to move my life across the world to start a PhD program, but I don’t have the confidence to stand up for the love and respect I deserve in my relationships with men.
The truth is, I accepted the bare minimum friendship that Owen gave me. I accepted the friendship I thought I deserved from him. I must take accountability that I didn’t show up for myself in the ways that I should have. It can be deeply painful to admit when you haven’t shown up for yourself. I know that I, as a woman, tend to be very hard on myself already. I see my faults quickly and judge them harsher than I would anyone else’s. To be kinder to myself I have had to learn how to quiet that inner critic and treat myself with the love I give to others. But being kinder to oneself also means holding oneself accountable when you miss the mark. I’ve learned that holding yourself accountable doesn’t mean shaming yourself into being ‘good’ or acting ‘right’. You can’t shame yourself into loving yourself. Part of my accountability journey has been to honor all the feelings that have come up for me regarding Owen and work through each of them. One of those feelings was anger. Yes, lots and lots of anger towards him, trust me. But also, I was angry at myself. I was angry that I left myself behind in the pursuit of pleasing someone else. I was angry that I let someone else’s opinion matter more than my own. In processing my anger, I realized that, ultimately, I didn’t trust myself anymore. That’s why I was struggling to move on and accept that this happened. Sure, I have trust issues with men. But I also had trust issues with myself. I need to work on trusting my gut. Trusting my heart. Trusting that I would show up for myself again when I needed it. That I would leave when I needed to. That I would speak my truth and that the people who cared about me would still be there when I did. By building up my trust in myself, I could begin to heal a wound I’ve had for a long time, even before I met Owen.
I say all of this, and it does not absolve him of his mistakes, his inability to communicate or be emotionally mature. He still fucked up a lot and hurt me deeply, which I don’t absolve him of while focusing on my role in this. But I can’t control Owen, his actions, words, anything. I can control how I heal from this and how I want to show up for myself and the people in my life moving forward. If we want to be able to hold each other accountable when we mess up and hurt one another, then we need to also admit when we’ve hurt or let ourselves down. I let myself down by accepting Owen’s emotional immaturity, mixed signals, and lack of effort as friendship. I don’t want to do that again. We won’t always get it right, but if we admit that to ourselves, do the hard, internal work of learning from our mistakes, and trusting ourselves to do the next right thing, we can build up the foundation of self-love we all need to be in relationship with each other.
You turned into a ghost, I wish you the best
Maybe one day you'll know I was not like the rest
I want to respect you, and you know I tried
But there ain't much respect in an Irish goodbye
-Kacey Musgraves, Irish Goodbye
...But Not With Haste 